Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

when nothing goes right… go left

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart