For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Dudes named Chance never had one.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.