I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
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Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Ironic
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
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