I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
You Might Also Like
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol