Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

Does your wife know you’re single?

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Beware of the dog..

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

PARKOUR

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.