I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
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If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society