I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
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I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers