I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
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Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country