Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

bury ourselves

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out