Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

nobody’s gonna understand

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

You got this…

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.