I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
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My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.