I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
just having fun
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever