Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.