I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Great game to play with friends
Noah was an idiot.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell