I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
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Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
This could be us but you eatin’
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Went to the spa* this morning!
*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.