I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
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I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I don’t have time to exaggerate, I have a million things to do today
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then