I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
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crying
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Why do so many horror movies take place at night? If I directed them, they’d be set at the scariest time imaginable: morning.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister