I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
😂🍻
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty