I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
![]()
You Might Also Like
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
grotesque if literal: baby food
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.