I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
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Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
welp
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
