Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Does beer think about me too?

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably