Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Running your mouth is not cardio.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

I like long walks away from everyone

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.