@GrabTheWEness

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

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@ibid78

LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend

@mlccm

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

@DaddyJew

Daddy, how’d you get that scar?

*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*

War

@fimoculous

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

@Home_Halfway

“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work

@daemonic3

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

@LurkAtHomeMom

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

@IAmKatieOrr

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!