I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

You Might Also Like


LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend


Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.


Daddy, how’d you get that scar?

*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*



When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.


I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.


“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work


WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?


I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.


“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”


FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes