I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
🙅🏻
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do