I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
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*seductively eats two tums*
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
it must be school picture day
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?