Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….