@evanrhorne

I lost 42 pounds!!!

Help me find her before her mother comes back!

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@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

@caliluvgirl77

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

@SGadea

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

@chrisdelia

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

@decentbirthday

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

@psychogoddess

How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved??

Dude,I already did my time.

@SweetTweetsBRO

I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

@trevso_electric

One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.

@not_delicate

If someone tells you they’re burning for you, toss a pitcher of water in their face.