I lost 42 pounds!!!

Help me find her before her mother comes back!

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Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.


Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?


He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.


Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.


cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here


How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved??

Dude,I already did my time.


I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.


One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.


If someone tells you they’re burning for you, toss a pitcher of water in their face.