Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

A Short Story.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…