I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
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Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
“I’m helping” 😅
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES