Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

I think I’ll stand

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!