I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
You Might Also Like
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I bet birds love this building.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
