I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
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I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
We decided to have money instead of children.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word