@Kaladas4U2NV

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

You Might Also Like

@ADHDeanASL

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

@FlyJ_

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

@ThugRaccoons

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

@funflaps

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

@david8hughes

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

@Tmoney68

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.

@iwearaonesie

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age