I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

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When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches


You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.


Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*


You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.


[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO


Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit


Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.


And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.


Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age