When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
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You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Probably the best newspaper correction ever