Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Never deleting this app.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.