I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand