Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.