I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.