Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

more water

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island