Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”