I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me