Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
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If I was a Quidditch player I’d be the Seeker, because I’m really, really good at doing basically nothing until the very end of something.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
What if the weather talks about us?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet