I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

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WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat


*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*


If it’s 1 or 1000 sins you’re still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend


I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.


When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about


“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend


I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.


Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.


My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.