I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

You Might Also Like


If I was a Quidditch player I’d be the Seeker, because I’m really, really good at doing basically nothing until the very end of something.


My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old


I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.


Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.


Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*


[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]


[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet