@Darlainky

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

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@jwoodham

If I was a Quidditch player I’d be the Seeker, because I’m really, really good at doing basically nothing until the very end of something.

@snarkymomtobe

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

@TheUnrealMattR

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

@nutsaremixed

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

@Aikiwomannc

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

@ShutUpThatsWho

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

@dafloydsta

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet