@Jake_Vig CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
@Darlainky I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
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@Jake_Vig 
@novicefather My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.
@KKAlThani My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.
@BradBroaddus INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
@skin_and_i “Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.
@Xoolun My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.
I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
@Jandalize Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
@Michael1979 Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
@alexlumaga Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
@ihateitmunky Hot girl: hi
Me: are you a cop?