Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?