@LittleMissAngr1

I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.

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@TheBoydP

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

@ibid78

“Well that can’t be right.” – dogs watching us catching balls with our hands

@TheRolo

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

@bourgeoisalien

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

@HomeWithPeanut

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

@LaniBeno

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

@CHUUZUZ

It’s been 7 years since Prince told Kim Kardashian to get off the stage.

@sass_n_ass

No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I’d hop on over to Facebook.

@HomeProbably

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

@HavocMantis

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”