I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
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My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
*watches the world burn*
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
oh you wanna fight?!
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead