I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
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Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
😂💯
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns