I lost a peanut butter m&m in my bed and now I’m afraid about where I’m gonna find it
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Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you