@bxllaneira

I lost money and friends this year, I just want the money back.

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@fro_vo

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

@philosophia7

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

@AsaAkira

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

@ShesARealGenius

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

@krisv_723

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.