“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I lost money and friends this year, I just want the money back.
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I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.
Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.