man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
our love story in four pictures
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.