@bxllaneira

I lost money and friends this year, I just want the money back.

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@bydanielvictor

I feel so bad for people who don’t like sports. They never experience the thrill of maybe being happy once every 10-20 years

@E_lok44

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

@behindyourback

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

@DeadLioness

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

@thelateinnings

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

@RobElliottComic

I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…

@Jack_Wagon1

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*