Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

LA today:

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun