Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.