I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
