Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39