I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.