I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
You Might Also Like
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.