I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
😂😂
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Give us this day our daily internet validation
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Gas station lines at 2 am:
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.