I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
You Might Also Like
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.