I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
BaD BoY!!
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems