I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.