I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
This dude got his own movie?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday