[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
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I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry