I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
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A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
genius
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My kitchen overserved me.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.