I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
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MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
