I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My favorite female superhero
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*