Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

The cashier just checked me out.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.