Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

me to God

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

Lmao

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?