Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Never ghost your hitman.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

Sooo many times…..

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.