Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

👀

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

This made me smile…

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl