Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

Catering service

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.