Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

When they try to steal your moment.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.