I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
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*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human