Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.