I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
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Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life