Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

Holy crap this is wonderful

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

fired

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*