I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist