i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
