i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
