i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
