I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
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Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*jingles half the way*
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.