I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
when u come home smelling like another dog
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.