I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
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Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I love you…
…r dog.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35