I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

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Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.


Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking


Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.


Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl


I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”



People who say they’ll be late for their own funeral*

*trust me. you’ll make it.


I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.


[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually


My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.


Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.