Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
People who say they’ll be late for their own funeral*
*trust me. you’ll make it.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.