I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
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Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas