Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do