I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!