I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*